Postage Due 2: Raikiri Boogaloo
by EvilFuzzy9
Summary: Wherein a hokage and an Uchiha start out trading letters, and somehow end up swapping everything else. A VERY loose spiritual successor to a moderately successful oneshot a couple of years old. Shades of smut. [crackfic]


**Postage Due 2:**

**Raikiri Boogaloo**

A _Naruto_ oneshot(?)

By

EvilFuzzy9

* * *

><p>Rating: M<p>

Genre: Humor, Friendship

Characters/Pairings: Naruto, Sasuke, Hinata, Sakura; [NaruHina, SasuSaku; implied situational SasuNaru and SakuHina, with suggested NaruSaku and SasuHina]

Summary: Wherein a hokage and an Uchiha start out trading letters, and somehow end up swapping everything else. A VERY loose spiritual successor to a moderately successful oneshot a couple of years old. Shades of smut. [crackfic]

* * *

><p>o0o0o<p>

Naruto,

I swear to god, if that son of yours comes anywhere near my daughter, I will NOT be held responsible for what happens to him.

– Sasuke

o0o0o

Sasuke,

What's gotten into you, man? Should I remind you who your boss is?

– Naruto

o0o0o

Naruto,

News flash. _You're only the boss because I didn't want the job._ You have absolutely zero leadership credentials.

– Sasuke

o0o0o

Sasuke,

What, and you _do?_

Like HELL. We both know Kakashi-sensei wouldn't have made you hokage if he was on his deathbed, and you were the only other ninja alive. I freaking EARNED this job. So if my son wants to hang out with your daughter, he **can**.

Heck, if anything _I'm_ the one who should be suspicious of _your_ kid wanting to get close to _mine_.

I swear, Sasuke, if Salad-chan ever tries to pull a "you" on Bolt or Hima-chan...

– The Totally Awesome and 100% Legit Seventh Lord Hokage, Naruto Uzumaki

o0o0o

Dumbass,

Please. We BOTH know that the only reason Kakashi picked you as his successor was because you would have never quit bitching about it if he didn't.

And for the last goddamn time, my daughter's name is **NOT** Salad.

_Sa-ra-da_.

That is not how you spell salad, _idiot_.

– The Far-More-Awesome and Sexy Lady Killer Uchiha Clan Head, Sasuke Uchiha

o0o0o

Bastard,

Oh yeah? Then how DO you spell it, eh?

– The Man Who is Sleeping with Hinata Hyuuga

o0o0o

Naruto the Idiot,

_Saraddo_. _Saraddu_.

Or something like that, I don't know. I'm not the one who speaks engrish. But it would definitely have a doubled-up consonant. Like _fakku_, or _bicchi_.

Hell, even _rariatto_.

But not _Sarada_. That is not how you spell salad.

– Sasuke, the man who is sleeping with your former crush

(p.s.: seriously, Naruto why should i even care who you're fucking?)

o0o0o

Sas-_uke_,

Funny... I seem to recall a certain incident in the Hidden Grass...

– Naruto, the man who is still tappin' dat Hyuuga ass

o0o0o

Naruto,

WE SWORE TO NEVER SPEAK OF THAT.

**EVER**.

_**AGAIN.**_

– Sasuke, the man who is totally straight and STILL does not care who you are fucking

o0o0o

Naruto,

What happened in the Hidden Grass? Sasuke just ran out of the house screaming about some noodle incident...

– Sakura

o0o0o

Sakura-chan,

Oh, yeah, it's the funniest thing... You know how Sasuke never goes out drinking?

There's a reason for that. A very _hilarious_ reason.

He's a total lightweight. Like, I'm talking **LEE** levels of non-existent alcohol tolerance. Just a whiff of the Kusa liquor they were serving at that hotel, and he was TOTALLY smashed. He got drunk out of his fucking gourd, and... well...

Heheh... well, you remember that one BL jutsu Konohamaru showed off at the last Kage Summit? You know, the one that laid you, Temari, and Kurotsuchi out flat on your asses?

He actually had a real-life reference for that...

– Naruto the Awesome, Manly, Totally Sexy Seventh Lord Hokage

o0o0o

[illegible rage scribbles]

**NARUTO YOU FUCK**

**YOU SWORE YOUD NEVER TELL **

_**IM GOING TO KILL YOU**_

[the rest of the paper has been burned to ash]

o0o0o

Naruto,

[almost completely illegible due to numerous, gratuitous bloodstains of a distinctly non-violent origin]

ohgod.

_Tell me_ you at least have **pictures**.

– Sakura, the woman who is perfectly okay with her husband swinging both ways

o0o0o

Honey,

Please do not encourage the bast—_our honorable Lord Hokage_. It was only one time, and I was drunk. I do not REALLY think of Naruto, or any man, that way.

And no matter what Naruto might tell you, I was _totally_ the one topping.

– Sasuke

o0o0o

Naruto,

**BURN IN HELL YOU MOTHERFUCKER**

– Sa-SEME Uchiha

o0o0o

Sasuke,

Whatever you say, sweetie~

Also, on a _completely_ unrelated note, what do you say to Team Seven getting together for a nice trip to the bar? Drinks are on me! ;)

– Sakura, your loving, devoted, and perfectly open-minded wife

o0o0o

Naruto,

What say we all go out for a night to the bar, just you, me, and Sasuke? It'll be just like old times❤

– Sakura Uchiha, who most certainly does not have any ulterior motives

o0o0o

Dear Sub-suke,

The only mother I've ever fucked is the mother of my children, Hinata. I unfortunately did not have the right equipment to plow _your_ mother before her untimely passing.

I am, however, completely certain that if she _were_ still alive, that would make TWO Uchiha who couldn't get enough of my dick up their ass.

– Naruto Uzumaki, Seventh Lord Hokage

o0o0o

Sakura-chan,

That depends. Would you be open to inviting Hinata-chan along? I know you and Ino had that experimental phase while Sasuke was out doing his whole "walking the earth shtick", and I think I could _maybe_ talk Hinata into broadening her horizons...

Fair's fair, after all. If you wanna watch me plow your husband, we should at least get to watch you and my wife have sexy lesbian funtimes.

– Naruto Uzumaki, the Seventh Lord Hokage, who is intrigued by your offer and willing to negotiate

o0o0o

Naruto-kun,

Please tell me you did not tell Sakura-san about that... _incident_... between you and Sasuke in Kusagakure. I love you very much, and I respect Sakura-san as a great kunoichi and student of the Honorable Lady Fifth.

But if Sasuke ever touches you again, I am afraid that I will be forced to make one of your teammates a widow.

– Hinata Uzumaki, who is NOT about to share her husband with some Uchiha

o0o0o

Sakura,

NO.

I am not going to sleep with the dead last. Never again.

Not even for _you_.

– Sasuke Uchiha, your straight-as-an-arrow and drop-dead sexy husband

o0o0o

Naruto,

I'd make a comment about finding some way to bring your mother back to life just to fuck her while I make you watch... but I am better than that.

Also, that's what tsukuyomi is for.

– Sasuke Uchiha

o0o0o

Sasuke-kun,

Are you _absolutely sure_, dear? Naruto offered to try and convince Hinata to come along... and I know perfectly well that even YOU were not immune to a certain forbidden jutsu of Konohamaru's❤

– Your loving wife, who would not mind experimenting again if it is for her husband ;)

o0o0o

Naruto,

Yes, yes, a thousand times YES.

If you can actually manage to do that, I might just see if I can't talk Sasuke into trying out a wife-swap. Don't tell anyone I told you this, but...

...I've actually really wanted to do... _certain things_... with your wife for quite some time now~❤

– Sakura Uchiha, who knows all kinds medical jutsu to keep herself nice and _tight_

o0o0o

Hinata,

This is purely hypothetical, but if offered a chance to see my husband and yours have hot, delicious, glorious man-on-man sex, would you be averse to thanking them with a little show of our own?

And I know that might sound a little weird, but if it helps I know _all_ _kinds_ of pressure points on the human body... especially ones that can give very _special_ kinds of pleasure. ;)

...

..._Purely hypothetically speaking_, of course.

– Sakura

o0o0o

Hinata-chan,

Haha... funny you should mention that...

– Your totally awesome and devoted husband, Naruto Uzumaki, Lord Seventh Hokage

(p.s.: what would you think of going out for drinks with some friends...?)

o0o0o

Sasuke,

Haha, that's very funny, man! Say, how about we all go out for drinks and have a good time? You can tell us more of your jokes over a good, strong shochu.

– Naruto

o0o0o

Sakura-chan,

...if you can seriously convince Sasuke to go for that, then I'll do my damnedest to convince Hinata. Fair is fair, after all.

– Naruto

o0o0o

Naruto-kun,

...why do you ask? Does it have anything to do with that... ah... _letter_ Sakura-san sent me?

– Your loving, devoted wife

o0o0o

Sakura-san,

I appreciate the... _offer_... but if I ever wanted to do as much, Naruto-kun's shadow clones and transformation jutsu could more than suit my needs.

– Hinata

o0o0o

Sasuke,

Touch my husband again, and you can forget about having any more children.

– Hinata

o0o0o

Sakura,

Your offer is tempting. I will concede this. But there is still no way that you will ever get me to repeat that Hidden Grass fiasco.

Not even the prospect of seeing you and the idiot's wife... doing _things_ together... naked...

[specks of blood dot the paper here]

...okay.

If, by some miracle, the dead last can actually convince Hinata to go along with such a thing, I _suppose_ I can swallow my pride and... _fuck_ Naruto.

For you.

Not because, you know, I find the idea of you and Hinata doing... _things_... to each other... _naked_... to be particularly arousing.

Not at all.

– Sasuke, your husband, who is most certainly not currently fantasizing about you and Hinata

o0o0o

Naruto,

Drop the pretense. I know what you want. And my answer is...

..._maybe_.

You know.

If you can get Hinata to go along with it.

– Sasuke, who is most CERTAINLY not doing this out of any particular attraction to you

o0o0o

Hinata-dono,

Has anyone ever told you how terrifying and... ah... _lovely_ you are? I am sure my wife would be more than happy to share a few stories with you over a nice cup of sake...

And, um. Okay. I won't touch your husband.

I can make no promises, however, about _him_ not touching _me_.

I've been told that I am very touchable.

– Sasuke Uchiha, who is not even remotely a seme or in possession of any kind of aggressive sexual dynamic with your husband

(p.s.: _please dont hurt me_)

o0o0o

Sasuke,

I knew you'd come around, hon. And if it makes you feel any better, I'll be sure to bring plenty of lube.

Also, while we're on the subject... as long as we're planning this whole night out, what would you say to, ah... a bit of _spouse swapping_ to spice things up? I'm sure you'd be able to do all _kinds_ of things with Hinata's breasts.

– Sakura, your cute, adoring, open-minded wife

o0o0o

Naruto,

It looks like Sasuke is on board! Hehehe... never underestimate the power of my sex appeal!

Now all we have to do is convince Hinata...

– Sakura

o0o0o

Hinata,

Aw, but that's hardly the same. Nothing can replace the real deal, you know! The thrill of forbidden passion, the bitter tang of Eden's fruits, and...

...wait.

Do you mean Naruto has, like, _done shows_ like that for you before? Like, acting out BL scenes with his shadow clones...?

– Sakura

o0o0o

Hinata,

Um. Yeah. Well, uh...

I know you like it when I do that_ Ninja Centerfold: SasuNaru Jutsu _for you. And this would be like that, except, y'know, the real thing.

Also, er... you've enjoyed doing it with me transformed into Sakura-chan, too, right? And Sasuke? This would _also_ be like that.

Except.

Y'know.

_The real thing._

– Naruto, your loving, devoted, faithful husband

o0o0o

Sakura,

I'll do my best to convince her! That's the promise of a lifetime!

...oh, man. That even _looks_ cheesy just on paper.

– Naruto

o0o0o

Sasuke,

Alright, then. So, what's your preference? I know we had it both ways in Grass, but since not all guys can be blessed with Uzumaki stamina, I figure we might as well keep it to just one act.

So.

Top, or bottom?

– Naruto

o0o0o

Naruto-kun,

Who would watch our children? If I agreed to go through with this, that is.

– Hinata

o0o0o

Sakura-san,

I would have turned you down, but it seems my husband is quite determined to do this. He can so adorable when he sets his mind on such things...

And, yes, my husband is a most generous and _creative_ lover. He is always changing things up for my enjoyment.

Why, doesn't yours? I'm certain he has more than enough chakra to spare for such marital diversions.

– Hinata

o0o0o

Sasuke,

I look forward to seeing you pinned beneath my husband as he has his wicked way with you❤

– Hinata

o0o0o

Sakura,

...I already agreed to have sex with Naruto. I suppose being able to, ah... you know, sleep with his wife too, would be sufficient trade off.

Not that, you know, I'm particularly _attracted_ to her.

You're the only woman for me.

_Honest._

– Sasuke

o0o0o

Hinata,

Ah...haha... yes. Certainly. I... um... look _forward_ to it, too.

– Sasuke

o0o0o

Naruto,

Pride would have me say "top"...

...but self-preservation urges me to choose "bottom".

(Your wife is terrifying)

– Sasuke, who totally has more than enough stamina to match you blow for blow

o0o0o

Naruto,

Yes, it really does. But I'm sure that if anyone can convince her...

– Sakura

o0o0o

Hinata,

...no, he does not. Um, not to say that he isn't a very skilled and generous lover.

I just.

Don't think he's ever actually thought to use ninjutsu for things like that.

– Sakura

o0o0o

Sasuke,

...why haven't we ever used shadow clones or transformation jutsu in the bedroom?

– Sakura

o0o0o

Hinata,

Well, Konohamaru's usually the one who watches them, isn't he? When we do this kind of stuff, I mean.

– Naruto

o0o0o

Sakura,

It looks like Hinata's up for it. What time would be good for you and Sasuke?

– Naruto

o0o0o

Sasuke,

But she's beautiful, too. Which I am sure has nothing to do with why you agreed to go through with this. ;)

– Naruto

o0o0o

Naruto-kun,

Ah, yes, I suppose he would do. When should I tell him to pick them up?

– Hinata

o0o0o

Sakura,

...oh, wow. I never even _thought_ of that.

By the way, when are we planning on doing this?

– Sasuke

o0o0o

Sasuke,

I'm thinking next Saturday evening. That sound good to you, sweetie?

– Sakura

o0o0o

Sakura,

Yeah, that should work.

– Sasuke

o0o0o

Sasuke,

Excellent. I'll tell Naruto right away.

– Sakura

o0o0o

Naruto,

It looks like next Saturday evening will work for us. Is that good for you two?

– Sakura

o0o0o

Hinata,

How about next Saturday evening?

– Naruto

o0o0o

Naruto,

Yes, that should work. I'll let Konohamaru know.

– Hinata

o0o0o

Sakura, Sasuke,

Hinata says next Saturday will be perfect. See you then?

– Naruto

o0o0o

Naruto,

See you then.

– Sasuke, Sakura

o0o0o

* * *

><p>Sarada Uchiha and Bolt Uzumaki, now young adults wearing chuunin flak vests, stepped back from the pile of letters, looks of mixed horror and disgust on their faces.<p>

They each met one another's eyes, silently agreeing to pretend they never came across these correspondence records while cleaning up in the hokage's private study.

"I could have gone my whole life without ever knowing what our parents did while me and Himawari were with Konohamaru-sensei..." Bolt mumbled, looking distinctly green around the gills.

"Ugh," Sarada agreed. "I _know_ right? I mean, my parents... _your_ parents... That just isn't natural."

"Tell me about it," Bolt nodded.

A moment of silence, pensive and heavy, passed between them.

"...so," said Sarada. "Do you _still_ want to do it on your dad's desk?"

"Do _you?_" Bolt replied, eyeing his girlfriend up and down.

Sarada smirked.

"Only if Himawari still feels like watching," she whispered.

A shiver raced up the blonde's spine, and he grinned rakishly at the bespectacled, raven-haired beauty before him.

"You are such a_ freak_, baby."

Sarada winked, striking a subtly provocative pose.

"You know you love it, hon," she purred in response.

They kissed, hot and heavy, while Himawari watched them from inside the closet.

And so everyone had loads of kinky sex – past, present, and future.

Just the way fanfiction says it should be.

* * *

><p>AN: ...dafuq did I just write. XD

**Updated:** 11-20-14

**TTFN and R&R!**

– — ❤


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